Our lives unravel in mysterious ways. We cannot know what will happen next even when we try to plan it or force it in a particular direction.
The things we do, and the paths we take change us, transform us, and fling us in many different directions.
What we need and want are two different things.
So heres what I've come to know, and feel and understand.
I've been practicing yoga for 20 years now and teaching for 7, almost 8 years. I didn't expect to be a teacher or a mentor. But I do remember being a kid and feeling like I wanted to inspire change or help people to be more like themselves. Their true nature, blissful, at peace, healed.
I started out working at an art gallery whilst at school. I was nervous to answer the phone or make phone calls in case I was doing it the 'wrong way'. I was embarrassed.
After high school, I went to art school in Sydney, found a flat and practiced a lot of yoga. I didn't really understand then, and was striving for perfection.
I worked in retail selling jewellery to women with lots of money, and found a cool tribe of women there who I worked with and they changed my world.
I travelled the world, loved and danced and played. Fell in love with Paris, worked in Film production and found out I was good at producing and directing. Slowly, my gifts were emerging.
I found my voice much later, singing in my bedroom, recording songs, writing profound poetry that I still look back on and wonder where it came from. It was channelled and pure. So, so good!
Insert yoga teacher training. Teaching. Feeling alive, feeling more me, more in tune with myself. The deep listening begins. I meet the love of my life. He challenges me and brings me joy with his lightness and humour.
I performed, I tried to be someone else, and at the same time, couldn't quite be myself. My voice had not reached its peak and my confidence was not fully realised. I felt I wasn't good enough, I didn't feel I'd be accepted if I showed my true self.
Many years later, I birth a baby. I'll just use my yoga, I'll be fine everyone told me. Emergency caesarean. Failure to progress. Stuck baby or perhaps I was stuck too. I learnt so much here and continue to realise who I am through the healing of this birth. Wow! I thank my son for the teachings and lessons.
The singing stops, but in this quiet, I find myself more, I unravel, I fall apart, I rebuild and realign. I'm starting to reveal myself and trust who I am.
Then wow! again! A miscarriage, I hurt, I grieve, I release, I appreciate the loss, I grow and become so incredibly aware.
I Home birth a year later, at the end of my bed, in a lunge pose with all my women around me and my man. The pushing was hard work but I found the focus and discipline that I so truly crave and need right now. I thank this son for his lessons, for getting me to believe, for transforming my whole life.
The confidence grows, my voice comes back, my relationship with my man changes and evolves and comes to a place of equanimity. I thank yoga for my ability to stay with even the toughest challenges. Happiness is within, how we tell the story is up to us.
And now here I am exploring new territory. Finding my women, the ones that call to the greater powers and mother earth for guidance. The women who have so far brought out the best in me. Allowing me to be myself and truly let go to the unknown. I thank Julia, Brooke, Bec, Sarah, Jane, Sequoia, Rosey, Vicki, Janet, Anneleise, Callieach, Gypsy, Talulah, Joanna and all the women I support and mentor.
I had my first piano lesson yesterday. I felt like a kid. But I had such focus and I learnt so much. The healing voice is coming. I can't wait to share it with you.
I have learnt that you can't plan for happiness or equanimity in your life. You can't wait for everything to be perfect and expect to be happy then. Moments of wonder occur and guide you to your next place, without warning, without planning. The key to happiness is stopping the story we tell ourselves.
Stop the story about what someone else does to you. Stop the story about what you don't have. Stop the story that limits your potential. Stop the story that says its too late. Stop the story that tells you your body doesn't work.
Realign yourself with nature, with the unknown, with healing yourself. Notice that all that you've done and where you have been paints your story so far, but there is much more to come. See it so splendidly that no one or nothing can get in your way of you finding your tribe, your peace, your-self.
If you want to change your path, go forth. If you want to ride the wave, ride it. If you feel you've had enough, listen. If you hear, feel and know your inner callings, listen and give in.
Let your life unravel. Let it drip out of you like chocolate sauce down a sundae. Let it ripple, let it ooze out and flow and flood you with pleasure and pain. Feel the pain, go through it!
Feel every moment and then you may truly be one with the path...travelling like the wind, like the rolling ocean, like that sundae melting on a hot day, like an ice cream dripping down your hand, like that flowing dress you love to wear, like your hair playing with the breeze, like your laughter, cackling without notice, like the plastic bag that rips and drops all your vegetables, and watching them roll down the hill like a gymnast or depending on the fruit and vege, a ballerina.